5 posts tagged “life”

What's on your holiday wishlist?

Clarity. ;o)

Show us what you're thankful for.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Usually on weekends we wind up so busy, anyway my attention is absorbed, so I don't have time to get on here.

I've been thinking. Always scary according to my son. Anyway, I was thinking how nice it would be to know how to do things, to have skills I don't have. The ability to tell, the ability to share, the ability to express myself cohesively. I just flounder.
I wish I was intelligent, that I had something to offer the world and that somehow I counted to someone. I keep thinking when I die no one will remember me or miss me. It's sort of sad, not me, I'm not sad. Never been that sad ever. Just making an observation.
I wish I had learned to learn better. I know, why do I sit here and wish instead of go out and do something about all this melancholy chatter. Truth is, I don't know what I should do. I sort of feel stymied and incapable of doing anything. Oh I don't know. It's hard for me to say what I mean by all this garbage. It's not that I have it so bad, nope, it's more I just wish I could have gotten it right-er. Kinda stupid, I know.

I've been grazing, that means surfing vox to me, and reading a lot of blogs by people who seem to get it. They either know how to put their thoughts down as story or prose, poems are quite common. Histories are abundant. Everyone seems to have a story to tell and the ability to tell it so it matters to someone.
If not stories then it's news. Either first-hand experiences or taken from the headlines and recycled so it sounds original. Some people truly have gifts. I long to have my voice heard. I think that's why all those months ago I chose a title to my blog that was indicative of that need to be a voice.

When I was growing up I wanted so desperately to be a musician. I sang competitively and as a soloist. I also sang in groups, part of choirs and bands. MY dream, but it wasn't sustainable. Not by me, I wasn't brave enough and life tends to take hold leading you on a path you hadn't envisioned.

So here I am, middle aged, slightly over weight, still wanting the things I wanted as a youth. To know I matter, to know I'm heard. To know I count. Will this ever be resolved in a way that makes sense to me? Will I ever find the courage I need to do right-er for myself? God, I hope so.
More tomorrow when I have time. 

It has been one week since we quit smoking. Some days it goes fine, I don't really think too much about it and don't really care too much about it. Then the moment arrives when I really want to smoke. I mean really!!!! (I realise this looks like a school girl wrote it but when you're tense who cares?)
Top it all off with the fact that Ron seems to be having a harder time quitting than I do. I don't know whether he just quit because I felt compelled to or if this really matters to him like it does me. Yeah, yeah. I should ask.  Of course there are times when I think, "No biggie, I can always run and get a smoke and then quit again." He says things that make me wonder if he is committed to this as I am. He never talks about how he feels about anything but on occasion he tells me it's really hard. The thing I really don't know is if he starts smoking again will I have the guts, strength, ability to stay a nonsmoker without him? I've got to work on this. I do NOT want to smoke!

My mother in law is in Vancover seeing the oncologist. She has her biopsy done tomorrow. I really hope things go well for her because I know this whole process is frightening. My husband doesn't say too much about it but I know how worried he is too.

David is home and back to driving me nuts. He is going to have to wear a fulltime retainer. He has been such a bum about wearing his positioner. I can't figure out why. I guess you can't expect perfection.

Friday is the big fireworks and party for the modernization of Alcan. I hope the weather is good because I don't want to sit on the beach in the rain. That idea is totally unappealing. I don't mind going and having some food but I sure don't want to be wet. Apparently the fireworks will be set off from a barge on the channel. Should be pretty, weather permitting.

School starts next week. My days will be my own again. Still, I miss David when he's gone. What is it about kids that makes you anxious for them to leave but sad when they are?

Am I missing something about what to do with a blog? I can't figure out the pertinence. I'll keep trying and maybe I can find a reason that makes sense.